Hello! We’re here to make some upgrades to your home. No, you have no real choice.

Yes, we’re fitting cameras to every room, but we’re only using them to monitor for Bad Things which we define and can add to at any time.

If you’ve nothing to hide, what have you to fear?

We say ‘your home’. Perhaps we should clarify.

We mean ’the home which you pay for, and which you think is yours, but actually we can install whatever we want in it’.

I’m sorry if you misunderstood.

But what’s the problem? You’re not doing Bad Things are you? ARE YOU?

Look, this isn’t about you.

Sometimes, people do Bad Things in their homes.

You know that. And we’re sure you support us stopping those who do.

So we’ll be installing the cameras in your home.

You’re not doing Bad Things, right, so it’s fine?

What stops us looking at whatever we like (or are ordered to inspect)?

Trust. That’s what stops it. You can trust us to look after you.

(I say ‘can’ but mean ‘must’, of course.)

Why don’t we trust you not to do Bad Things so you don’t need the cameras? My dear child, no…

I wouldn’t raise concerns about these cameras, if I were you.

We’ll have to draw attention to the fact that you’re not Thinking Of The Children enough.

Why do you hate children, Childhater? Why do you want them to be unsafe?

We will find a Child Rights Advocate to criticise you.

They will say that those who do not want cameras in every room — please be careful, the one in the shower is steaming up a bit — are cyberutopians.

Tech fetishists.

‘Big Tech’ shills.

‘Privacy advocates’.

Bad.

We notice that you are complaining, but you have not offered a fully-developed and free solution which meets our approval.

That’s just typical.

We don’t agree ours is a bad solution but, if it is, at least we are doing something. Accept the intrusion or build better.